Regardless of how this looks, my money is still on the black guy. No, literally, he just robbed me.
There is a moment in everyone’s life where the thin line between fiction and reality melts into one. That odd moment when you realize you just learned something from pop culture that you somehow, ignorantly, didn’t know. While sometimes, we revel in these moments of unfiltered learnery (totally not a word I just made up), other times, the very things we learn shake us to our core. Like someone ran a diamond of truth down our mirror of lies. If some Remy groupie doesn’t get that last line tatted across her lower back I will be very disappointed. How are you supposed to be my acolytes if you don’t rightfully observe those moments of pure brilliance? I should probably delete that last line. Not the good line, but the line about the good line. You still with me? Good, I’m not either. Anyway, onto the list about greatest animated strippers. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, fucked up life lessons from films. Okay, on to that!
Never Let Strangers In For Eggs: Funny Games
Can I borrow some eggs? Also, I killed your dog, and that is the nicest thing I am going to do in the next eighteen hours,
Did you know that I wouldn’t be here, typing this for you right now, if it wasn’t for Funny Games? FACT! I pitched this article right here to Paul from Unreality, under the pretenses that Funny Games is one of the most emotionally upsetting (and meta) horror films ever made. He watched it, got emotionally upset, and gave me a shot as a writer. That shot led to a gig there, and now, this site. Thing is, I KNEW Funny Games changed my life the first time I saw it. I just didn’t know how much. When that movie ended I felt like I had been assaulted. To call the film emotionally exhausting and manipulative is to sell it short. But it was that very film that changed the way I react to a knock on the door.
Here, let me show you. It begins so innocently, and goes South, so quickly:
That growing sense of unavoidable dread you feel watching this scene only triples by the end of the film. A nihilist romp, no doubt. And that remote control scene? Hell, I watch this film with other people just to see how they react to that scene. But don’t come by for eggs. I don’t answer my door anymore because of this film.
Never Bite the Curb: American History X
When you are in that kind of shape, you even make racism look cool. Kidding.
The reality here is that I was much better off having never known what a curb stomp is.
There are certain moments in film that always fuck me up, no matter how many times I see them. and the curb stomp scene from American History X is one of those moments. I have told you all my former adventures into the valleys of white bread racism, and the reality is, this kind of stuff still happens, every day, somewhere in the world. But just knowing this happens to people took atleast five years off my life expectancy. Seriously, there is an app for that. But is it weird to think I would just ask him to shoot me, as oppose to biting the curb? You know, either way, you are getting all sorts of fucked up, but atleast being shot, you have a little more pride. Also, more teeth.
On the plus side, if we never got this scene, we would have never gotten this.
Hey honey, let’s get in shape, racist style!
Hey, don’t get mad at me. If we don’t laugh in the face of racism, Hitler wins. It really is THAT simple, people. Oh wait, Hitler already lost? And is dead? Okay, scratch that last part.
You Can Use Butter As Anal Lube: Last Tango in Paris
Wait a second, I coulda used that on my waffle!
I have always wondered if the set smelled like open ass and melted butter that day, but I digress.
I brought this scene up so many times, it should be quite clear to you all how badly it fucked me up. And coming from me, that is huge. I will tell you all the story again in case you missed it. Found this movie in my Dad’s collection. Was young. Thought it might be good to be spank it to. Fast forward, ninety minutes later, I am sitting, weeping, with my shriveled penis in my hand. I switched over to margarine not long after first seeing this film, and only I knew why. I have since gone back to butter, but truth be told, I have never been comfortable with it.
Also, watching an already-old Brando have sex with a young girl is like watching a raging bull trying to fuck a sleeping poodle. In other words, decidedly non-sexual, and wholly unsettling.
Your Car WILL Break Down When It Is Least Convenient: Every Horror Movie Ever
I lost my virginity in the trunk of that exact car.
I just recently found out that all cars have an agreement with all serial killers. The cars have it in their contracts to break down whenever said killers are within one hundred feet of the car. Sorta makes more sense now, huh? You ever see that Pixar movie CARS? Yes, it’s kinda like that, only with way more dead hookers in the trunk.
So the idea is to be aware when you are in mortal danger, and not to even bother trying to start your car. That will shave precious minutes off your “run like a motherfucker” time, which we all know as plan B. Wait, is Plan B that “kill your baby after a night of drunken sex” pill? Shit, it is, huh? Okay, scratch that last sentence, too. That may be a good habit to get into now.
Be Nice To The Nerd Girl: She’s All That
I want you to know the fact that you talked to me when I wore overalls grants you the gift of oral sex now.
WHAT? I have never seen She’s All That! I musta had my computer hacked by some fourteen year old girl just now. Um, I am all edgy and stuff. Penis. Boobs. Drugs. Bam. See, edgy?
Nah, fuckit. I love teen comedies. That is some Usher-level, “Confessions” shit.
Confessions 11 is about when he stole his daughter’s french fry.
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